CNN requested a second stall after theirs began emitting Don Jr. vape-scented soundbites on loop.
Reporters were reminded that access was a privilege, not a right — a phrase now carved into the Resolute Desk.
The Rose Garden had again been bulldozed. “This time correctly,” Trump said. In its place: Putting for Patriots™, the world’s largest miniature golf course. Hole One featured the Second Amendment in neon cursive, guarded by animatronic colonists who shouted “Stand your ground!” Hole Nine, titled Deep State Drain, required players to putt over a spinning Fauci head into a golden ballot box labeled STOLEN.
The scorecards were pre-filled.
Asked whether this undermined public trust, a spokesperson clarified: “They’re not golf scores. They’re freedom metrics.”
Midway through the tour, visitors were funneled into Founders on Tap, an AI-powered bar that served constitutional cocktails and algorithmic nostalgia. The Thomas Jefferson bot offered hard lemonade and said, “A little rebellion now and then is good for the soul — as long as it’s ours.” Benjamin Franklin, slurring from centuries of virtual whiskey, reminded patrons, “Liberty is best enjoyed behind a paywall.”
The Lincoln Bedroom was converted into the Forever Suite, reserved for loyalists and foreign dignitaries who agreed to stay three nights and leave a five-star review. A Patriot Vetting Portal, built by the former FEMA director, scanned guests for pronoun use, vaccinated children, and CNN viewing habits.
“The questions are voluntary,” one aide explained. “Refusing just ends the tour.”
The presidential library had become a boiler room shrine to Executive Orders, arranged by retweet count. A glass case once reserved for the Emancipation Proclamation now displayed the subpoena from Trump’s third indictment, sealed in resin and lit from below like the Constitution at the National Archives. A plaque above read: “Not Removed. Improved.”
“History is flexible. I’m just bringing her home.”
In the hallways, Washington’s gaze followed visitors from every portrait, his painted eyes growing duller with each selfie.
Outside, visitors lined up for merchandise, funnel cakes, and loyalty selfies. A man in a Gravy Force™ jersey wept: “I just feel like America’s back.” Nearby, tourists pledged oaths in the Hall of Loyalty™, where the only exhibit was a mirror. It remained the most-viewed attraction in the building.
Tourism surged 600% in the first month.